I am a HERO

I'm going to start this blog off by giving a clear understanding of what kind of person I am. I am a hero. The type of hero most people can only wish to be. It started with a phone call from my mom that my Granny was sick and needed a donor. My family had feared for some time that my Granny might have cancer. Being a tough woman from a line of tough women, she often hid her pains from the family. I feared for the worst and hoped for the best. I could tell by the tone in her voice that she would ask me to donate something most people couldn't. In a split second I prepared myself to undergo whatever procedure necessary. Bone marrow, kidney, or even a lung transplant; I was willing to give up anything. What was asked of me was way worse than I could ever imagine. My mom told me that due to me being the healthiest in the family they needed me to donate my poop.

 My Granny had some kind of disease that killed off the bacteria in her intestines and so they were going to send mine in to take over. How do they get my poop in her? By sending it down her nose into her stomach. I was going to, in a round about way, take a dump in my Granny's face so she could eat my crap. I knew I'd never be able to look her in the eyes again. I went through the testing of having my blood and stool samples taken. Even having to freeze my poop in my aunts freezer before bringing it to the lab. Everything got checked out and I was on my way to saving my Granny. Then the FDA steps in and shuts down the procedure. I was saved an endless amount of embarrassment.

Not quite. My aunt finds out about a home remedy. This time the shame would be much more personal. Instead of going to a hospital with professionals who deal in shit every day, I'd be going to my great-aunts house to leave my sample. And the home remedy included an enema for my Granny made of a doodoo slurry. So there I am, squatting over a red solo cup trying not to shit on my great-aunts bathroom floor. I had the realization that maybe all my healthy life choices weren't the best idea. Who cares about living a healthy, long life when you have to bring yourself to such lows to help out your family. I finished my heroic act and left quickly. I will never attend a family reunion again.

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